"I ask myself; is it worth it? And it just isn't."

“Some people are uncomfortable with silences. Not me. I’ve never cared much for call and response. Sometimes I will think of something to say and then I ask myself; is it worth it? And it just isn’t.” – Miranda July

Whenever a quote is read that immediately causes some sort of kinship between yourself and the writer, it’s as if, in the few seconds it takes to read a few lines of typed letters, a friend suddenly emerges. You mean there’s another human being on this earth who has the exact thoughts I do? Suddenly I don’t feel so alone or peculiar as I did before. Speaking of quotes, I’m reminded of a gem of simple truth by C.S Lewis: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” I find it fascinating that the simplest voicing of matching sentiment, even by a complete stranger, can bring a smile to your face. It makes me wonder to what extent we need to relate and be understood by others. While listening to the Social Animal on CD on my way to work this morning, David Brooks highlighted a study about mirror neurons, where researchers have discovered a type of neuronal network that seemingly lends specifically to the process of imitating others. Particularly in babies, there is an unconscious desire to connect and match with someone who is closest to you. He also expressed the idea that the brain is just one piece of anatomy inside a skull, whereas the mind emerges from interaction and connection with others. Our minds aren’t just a complex interface of neurotransmitters, synaptic connections and RNA building codes. Just as the brain is influenced by its internal chemical reactions, our mind is impacted by our external connections. A seemingly simple discovery of connectedness with an individual can light up certain pathways in the brain, and if we specifically find fondness towards that person, our mirror neurons activate and we find ourselves unconsciously mimicking their movements and speech patterns. “No man is an island unto himself” seems truer than I previously thought…

Rewinding back to the original quote; I was immediately struck by the statement, “Sometimes I will think of something to say and then I ask myself; is it worth it? And it just isn’t.” While by no means a particularly profound and moving articulation, I nonetheless was a little surprised to hear a personal truth expressed by a faceless woman through a random and seemingly inconsequential tumblr reblog. It’s been a reoccurring aspect of my life, this idea of speaking up even when it seems unnecessary. Small talk? Yeah, not my strong suit. I find myself thinking of something in my head, evaluating the importance of the comment, and continually deciding it’s just not worth saying. Now, I realize this is probably not the wisest decision I could ever make. People connect by conversation, and language, no matter how trivial or insightful, is a way to fulfill our souls. God extols fellowship for a reason. So, as I'm reading someone else say the same thing I think every day, I realized the fallacy and benefits of that kind of thinking in perfect synchronicity. Trivial, vapid remarks are better left unsaid, but at the same time withholding all thoughts and feelings, even if simple comments, can make others uncomfortable and unsure. I suppose, just like every other aspect of life, balance is key. With an extreme bent towards introversion, balance is sometimes hard to find, but practice makes perfect…

I’ve been made aware over the years that multiple people have felt intimidated or disliked because of my silence. And I hate that that is the result of my overactive mental evaluations. Therefore, the point of today’s musing is this: just because I’m not speaking up and adding to the conversation doesn’t mean A) I’m an idiot, B) YOU’RE an idiot (although it’s possible. Kidding! Sort of.) or C) I'd give anything to be somewhere else. Rather, I evaluate my thoughts before their released, and sometimes, they just don’t pass the test. That, and observations and silence can be revealing. There really are perks to being a wallflower ;)